True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
