I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
