Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
