I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
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Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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