YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i wish my penis had a tongue
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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