either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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