u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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