I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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