you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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