My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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