her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
