Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
