Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
