mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
