The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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