After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
