Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
