True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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