We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
