I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
