i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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