my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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