he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
