life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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