Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
