So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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