Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
