I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
