i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
