The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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