6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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