you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
