why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
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Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
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There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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