Betty ford says i'm here all night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
