I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
