the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
