last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
