Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
