i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i came on her dog
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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