he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
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K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
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I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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