Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
