Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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