You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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