i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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