He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
