Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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