What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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