You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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