you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
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Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
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So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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