I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
