i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
