I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's like God shit irony all over that family
zippers are such a cool invention
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
