Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
