I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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