fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
