You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
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Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
wow bdsm is so cute
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