I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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